This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
whose ass print is on the piano?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
this hospital has no fireball
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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