Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
