You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Who died my cat blue again?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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