Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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