Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
