so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
