i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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