life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
