He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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