i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
