the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The best revenge is premature balding
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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