it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
