i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
