If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
