Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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