he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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