Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
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You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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