she's into porn, im staying here tonight
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
