i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
