my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
