OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
