So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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