When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
