I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
