Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
nutella sex= disaster
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
