who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
