I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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