when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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