For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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