I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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