but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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