i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
