dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
