I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
