I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
