how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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