3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i now understand why vodka
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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