Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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