I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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