I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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