god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
