I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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