when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
