you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
