saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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