You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize