so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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