does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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