there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
