My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
this hospital has no fireball
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
