Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
