and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm like, not good at living.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
