why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
