I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
