there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
