I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
